


fabrication of a grand scheme

by cloudghost



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Alternate Universe - Just Like Heaven, F/F, I only saw it once ages ago and remember like 3 things about it haha, and a couple between Allison and Dan, and then there's some vague plot sprinkled in there sometimes, by which I mean it's very loosely based on that romcom, this is basically just a lot of conversations between Allison and Renee
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-13
Updated: 2018-10-13
Packaged: 2019-08-01 13:52:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16285805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cloudghost/pseuds/cloudghost
Summary: Renee was silent for a while. Then, finally, she said, “I want to try going outside.”“I thought you were scared.”She hummed her assent. “That doesn’t mean I shouldn’t do it.”Since that was basically the philosophy Allison lived by, she nodded. Renee turned back around and met Allison’s gaze. In that moment, Renee looked unbreakable and unshakeable, like nothing that ended up in her way could ever stop her for long. Allison shivered.





	fabrication of a grand scheme

It started like this: Allison Reynolds was stood up for the first time in her life.

She did not take this well. Her ego bruised, she drank until everything was both heightened and also lost most of its importance.

“It’s because she hasn’t seen my face yet,” she explained to a startled waiter walking past her table. “Though you’d obviously think that my personality is charming enough on its own.”

She drank some more, and when she’d finished the bottle, she frowned at her empty glass.

“So rude,” she muttered.

 

* * *

 

And it also started like this: In a hospital not too far from the restaurant that had become a reminder to Allison of how she, too, was capable of being stood up, the body of Renee Walker lay, hooked up to all sorts of devices, clinging onto life as stubbornly as it knew how.

Her soul, though? Now that was somewhere else entirely.

 

* * *

 

After the movers left, Allison leaned back against the door to her new apartment and sighed, exhausted and relieved.

Nothing here reminded her of her last apartment and everything tied to it. She’d only ever lived there together with someone else, the entire place a compromise between their clashing personalities, all of it _theirs_.

It had felt eerie, being there alone, like constantly waiting for someone who just wasn’t coming back and yet had left a part of themselves behind anyway so it never felt as if they were truly gone.

She’d tried to erase the images of Seth superimposed on everything there for more than a year. Then, when Dan had sat her down and told her to think about getting a new place since she was spending more time anywhere than in her own apartment, she’d finally begrudgingly realised that something had to change.

A yawn sneaked up on her and she squeezed her eyes shut. Longingly, she thought of dropping into bed, but she’d bet Dan that she would empty at least three boxes the day of the move. She wasn’t just going to give up on a free drink like that.

Pushing herself off the door and kicking her shoes off in the process, she walked the few steps to the living room. Once she got there, however, she caught sight of her new couch and before she knew it, she was half sitting, half lying on it.

She looked at the boxes for a while, then shrugged. She’d taken the next day off to get settled in and it wasn’t like they were going to run away. The thought of losing a bet and tarnishing her perfect streak stung more, but she’d get over it.

Curling up on her side with her head pillowed on her hands, she looked out the windows covering most of the living room walls. They’d been one of the main reasons she’d chosen this place. Since it was quite high up, the windows offered an amazing view of the city around her, and she spent a while watching a storm brew in the sky.

She’d never gotten over her fear of thunderstorms completely, but over the years it had mellowed considerably. Her fear seemed irrational to her now, something that most who experienced it left behind when they grew up and realised they’d survived every thunderstorm so far. It had stuck with Allison for a long time, though; maybe because no one had ever comforted her when she was small.

Seth had sometimes tried to explain her fear away, but it had never been easy for Allison to accept anything along those lines from him.

Anyway. He was dead now, so he’d never try again. She took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

Lightning lit up the sky and Allison flinched; she’d lost track of the storm because she’d been so caught up in her thoughts. Immediately, she started counting until the thunder came, a habit she’d developed to reassure herself that the lightning had struck far enough away. It had become more of a reflex than anything born out of actual fear.

When she looked back at the windows, a silhouette was standing in front of them.

Allison blinked, thinking maybe it was an afterimage caused by the brightness of the lightning, but the figure was still there. She scrambled upright, her heartbeat uncomfortably loud. Lightning struck again, lighting up the figure’s white hair like a halo.

“Fuck,” Allison said.

The figure turned its head slightly but didn’t turn around to face Allison.

“Hello,” it said, sounding altogether calm and weirdly friendly.

Allison gaped. She opened her mouth, closed it again, shook her head and finally demanded, “Who the hell are you?”

“Renee.”

After several seconds had ticked by, Allison realised that that was all she was going to get. “You do realise this is someone else’s apartment? Mine, in fact. I’d really appreciate it if you got the hell out. Unless you’re trying to rob me or something, in which case, let’s get on with the fight already.”

The figure—Renee, apparently—finally turned around, and Allison could just barely make out her features in the near-dark. Light pollution was good for something, at least.

“I’m a soul.”

Allison paused, completely taken aback. “What?”

“I don’t have a body. I mean, I do, but I’m not in it at the moment.”

“Okay…” She was stalling, her thoughts racing. “Sure, why not.” Maybe she should get this Renee some help. Who did you call in a situation like this?

“This used to be my apartment. It still is, in my opinion, even if I can’t make use of it at the moment. In a way, you are the intruder here.”

Allison huffed, turning all of her attention back on Renee. “Excuse me?”

“I’m sorry for startling you. I wasn’t expecting you to be able to see me. No one else has been.”

Allison stared at her. Then she said, “Are you expecting me to believe you?”

Renee shrugged. “Google me.”

“Goo—” She realised she was gaping again and shook her head. “Okay, fine.” She lifted a finger and pointed at Renee. “You stay over there, though. Googling and fighting at the same time would complicate things.”

“You would lose.”

“What?”

“Against me. In a fight. You’re taller than me, but that wouldn’t help you.”

Allison glared at her. “I’ll have you know that I’m an excellent brawler. I’m sure I’m stronger than you by far.”

“Doesn’t matter. You would still lose.”

Allison opened her mouth to argue, then caught herself and shook her head again. “I am _not_ debating this with you right now. Or ever, in fact. You’re in my apartment and you have no right to be here.”

“If I were an intruder, that really wouldn’t make me leave,” Renee said, her tone still friendly as if she were giving constructive criticism.

Allison’s head started to hurt, everything she’d been feeling over the past few minutes mixing together with her exhaustion from the move to form one big headache. She clenched her jaw against the pain.

“What do you want me to google?” she gritted out.

“Are you all right?” Renee actually sounded concerned, which only made Allison’s anger re-ignite.

“Just—” she started, then cut herself off when she realised she’d raised her voice. She sighed, deflating. “Just tell me what to google.”

Renee seemed to hesitate, then said, “Renee Walker.”

Allison fished her phone out of her pocket and entered Renee’s name. She clicked on an article that came up and skimmed it, then looked up again, stunned.

“You were in a car accident?”

It was definitely her in the article’s picture. Allison had an eye for people’s faces and even though she hadn’t seen Renee’s in proper light yet, she could tell the bone structure was the same. Looking back down at the picture, she saw that Renee’s white hair was actually dyed various pastel colours at the bottom and that her brown skin was a bit lighter than Allison’s own. There was a twinkle in her dark eyes that— Allison shook her head. Renee was definitely someone she would have noticed if she’d walked past her on the street.

“Yes.”

“Were you drunk?”

“No,” Renee said, and her tone was suddenly so severe that Allison raised her eyebrows in surprise; she had sounded nothing but warm and patient up until then. Renee seemed to have noticed the change herself, because she pressed her lips together and then elaborated, “I don’t drink. Not anymore.”

“Okay,” Allison said. She was still trying to wrap her head around the fact that Renee was a ghost. “You’re a ghost.”

The corners of Renee’s lips twitched upwards. “No, I’m a soul. Though I might become a ghost eventually, if my body decides to give up.”

Allison frowned. “What do you mean?”

“I mean that I can feel that my body’s heart is still beating.”

“Then why aren’t you with your body? Why are you here?”

“When I gained consciousness as a soul, I found myself here,” Renee said, shrugging. “I’m not actually sure where my body is or how to re-join it.”

“Oh. Are you going to want me to find it?”

Renee hummed. “I don’t know. It might be nice to know where it is at least. Would you do that for me?”

“Not for you,” Allison said, shaking her head. She pointed at her own chest. “For me. I finally find the perfect place and it turns out it’s already infested with someone’s soul? Unacceptable. I want this place for myself.”

“Technically, it was my apartment first,” Renee said in that kind tone of hers.

“Well, it’s mine now, and I want you to promise me that it’ll stay that way once we’ve figured out what’s going on with you and you’ve returned to your body.”

Silence settled between them as Renee considered Allison for a while. Then, finally, she nodded. “All right. Deal.”

“Good,” Allison said and nodded herself. “I’m going to bed now. It’s been a long day, and now there’s this shit to deal with too. Stay out of the bedroom, all right?”

And then she left, not waiting for Renee to reply.

 

* * *

 

The next morning, Allison woke up with a frown. Instead of lying in bed some more and stretching occasionally like she usually did before finally getting up, she pushed herself up out of bed immediately and padded to the living room.

When she caught sight of Renee still—or once more—standing by the window, she sighed.

“Not a dream, then.”

“Afraid not,” Renee said and smiled. “Good morning.”

Allison yawned. “Nothing good about mornings.” She turned and walked over to the small kitchen, then realised that it was completely empty. All of her stuff except for the necessities was still packed away in boxes somewhere. A groan escaped her.

“What’s wrong?” Renee was suddenly standing next to her. Allison was too tired to react in any visible way and simply let her heart skip a beat on its own.

Instead of answering, she went on a search for her phone. When she found it, she immediately made a call.

“Coffee,” Allison croaked into it. “New apartment. Now. Food?”

Dan laughed on the other side of the line, though Allison thought that wasn’t justifiable since Dan wasn’t much more of a morning person than she was.

“No laughing,” she grumbled. “Coffee.”

“Someone got up on the wrong side of bed today,” Dan said.

“Please?” she added as if it were an afterthought. “I’ll owe you.”

“You already owe me. At this rate, you’ll just say you owe me forever to get me to do what you want without ever making up for it.” Despite her words, there was obvious amusement in Dan’s voice.

“Not my fault that you feel like you have to do everything yourself,” Allison said, her voice still sounding so rough that she immediately cleared her throat.

“I’ll come, but don’t psychoanalyse me. It’s too early for that.”

“You’re an angel.”

“Don’t I know it,” Dan said before she hung up.

Allison frowned at her phone for a moment, slightly confused at Dan just being gone. Then she shook her head. Fuck, she was tired.

“Is someone coming?”

This time Allison did flinch slightly, having forgotten about Renee completely. She blinked at her, taking her in in the light of day. Definitely someone she would notice.

“Dan. If you don’t like her, I don’t like you.”

“Are you going to tell her about me?”

Allison hummed, which quickly turned into a yawn. “I don’t know. Do you want me to?”

Renee shrugged. “So far, you’ve been the only one who’s been able to see me. If she can’t, she might not believe you.”

“Dan trusts me,” Allison said, a tinge defensively. “But I could just show her the article. Maybe she can help. She’s the apprentice of a pretty famous private investigator. Ever heard of David Wymack?”

Renee struck a pose and made her expression look extremely serious. “The guy from those posters?”

Despite herself, Allison’s lips twitched. “Yeah, that’s him. Dan adores him, so watch out what you say about him.” Allison tilted her head to the side. “Though that’s not really an issue, is it? I forgot. You seem so… real.”

“I am real,” Renee said, nodding. “Just not _corpo_ real.”

Allison paused. “Whatever, I’m going to let that slide.”

“Do you want me to leave while you spend time with your friend?”

“I mean, I don’t want to kick you out…” Not that Allison really had qualms about that, but it did seem like they’d be stuck with each other for the foreseeable future at least, and the last thing she needed was to be properly haunted. “Can you even leave this place?”

“I haven’t tried,” Renee said and somehow made it sound like a confession, solemn and slightly ashamed.

Allison tilted her head to the side. “Are you scared?”

Renee looked up sharply, then seemed to consciously try to relax her posture again. “Yes. I’m afraid I might get lost or lose myself. I’m afraid that if there’s nothing to keep me from the sky, I’ll just keep floating up.”

“Then wouldn’t you be stuck to the ceiling right now? Or sinking through the floor, straight to the Earth’s core? I don’t think that’s how it works.” She reminded herself of Seth in that moment, trying to rationalise her fear of thunder away. She pushed the thought away.

The smile that appeared on Renee’s face carried a bitterness so obvious it surprised Allison. “Ah, but down isn’t where I want to go.”

It took Allison a while to get it. “Heaven? You think you’d… what, fly off to look for heaven up there?” Renee nodded, and Allison couldn’t help but scoff. “All you’re going to find is space, eventually, and I’m not sure if whatever you’re made of could continue existing there. Though you’d have a nice view before you go, at least.”

“You find space if you look with your body’s eyes,” Renee said, sounding stubborn. “Until a soul tells you what it’s seen there, you can’t know for sure.”

For once in her life, Allison decided to let it drop. Maybe it was even sweet, in a way, how Renee wanted to believe. Like a kid clinging onto the idea of Santa. Whatever made life easier to live, Allison supposed.

“Well, if you don’t want to go outside, stay in another room at least. I couldn’t ignore you the whole time and Dan would know something’s up.” Surreptitiously, she moved her foot over to where Renee’s seemed to be standing on the floor, only to touch nothing.

Damn. She hadn’t been entirely convinced, but now there was no way around it. This was either really real or one hell of a hallucination. She cleared her throat again. “Now I’m going to go unpack a few things, otherwise I’ll never get started.”

And without another look at Renee, Allison walked to the living room and picked a box to start with at random.

 

* * *

 

“Delivery!” Dan called out from the other side of the door. Allison opened it with a roll of her eyes.

“You’re so lame.”

“Shut up, let me re-live my delivery days for a bit of nostalgia.”

“You hated that job,” Allison said and stepped aside to let Dan in.

Dan grinned. “Well, I don’t know a word to describe looking back at the way things used to be to realise how far you’ve come and how much better things are now.”

“I’m sure someone thought of some pretentious word for it. You’re better off not knowing.”

Dan looked around while taking off her shoes. “Come on, I’m curious. Show me your new place.”

So Allison did, and by the time they got to the spare bedroom that Allison had decided would be a mix of a guest room and a study, she’d completely forgotten about Renee again. Therefore, when she opened the door and saw Renee standing in it, she just barely managed to suppress a surprised flinch.

“What’s wrong?” Dan asked.

Allison waved it off. “Nothing. Just one of those shudders everyone gets sometimes. You know.”

Renee was watching them with an inscrutable expression, and Allison had to force herself not to look at her. When she closed the door on her, she had to bat away the slight feeling of guilt threatening to creep up on her.

After they’d finished the small tour, Dan and Allison settled down in the living room. Allison drank half of her cup of coffee in one go and then took a bite of the chocolate croissant Dan had brought her while Dan ate the proper sandwich she’d bought herself.

“Dan,” Allison said, and when she had her attention, she gave her the look that meant thank you without her actually having to say it.

Dan scoffed and bumped their shoulders together. “Would it kill you to actually say it sometime?”

Allison finished chewing on a piece of croissant before answering, “Possibly.”

Making a noise that sounded both exasperated and fond, Dan looked around the living room again. “You found a really nice place, A. I think it’s a good thing, you know, that you left the old place, with all the—” She broke off and shook her head, her unsaid words ringing clear as day in Allison’s ears.

It was such a strange thing, how the things that hurt were always on everyone’s mind but no one wanted to give voice to them. Not using words didn’t lessen the impact at all. _The old place full of reminders of your dead boyfriend_. There. Maybe avoiding the words, never saying them out loud, only gave them more power, only made them more painful. Why else would admitting them feel like a relief?

He was dead. He had died. He was gone and he wasn’t coming back, not ever. That was what had happened and that was the way things were and would be for as long as Allison lived.

“Dan, how busy are you at the moment?” Allison asked, deftly changing the topic. Dan seemed relieved.

“Why?”

“I found something that belonged to the person who lived here before me. Renee Walker.” She opened up the article on her phone. “Turns out she was in a car accident a while ago. She’s not dead, I know that much, but I have no idea how to go about finding her so I can return what I found.”

“What did you find?” Dan asked, skimming over the article.

“It’s kind of… private,” Allison lied smoothly. “It’s probably bad enough that I’ve seen it, so I don’t think I should show anyone else.”

Dan raised her eyebrows. “How considerate of you.”

Allison huffed. “No need to sound so suspicious.”

“Allison,” Dan said, “you’re more self-aware than that.”

“Dan,” Allison replied in the same tone, “as you can see, I am not.”

“Allison.”

“Dan.”

Dan’s jaw clenched. She was the more stubborn of the two of them, but also the more easily frustrated. “Fine.”

Smiling, Allison couldn’t help but feel a bit smug. Dan got out the small notepad she always carried with her nowadays and flipped it open.

“So, Renee Walker? Send me a link to that article. I’ll look into it when I have time.” She looked up. “The next five dinners are on you, though.”

“Fair enough. Now, tell me, have you managed to convince Wymack to adopt you yet?”

Dan rolled her eyes, but then dove into recounting everything that had happened since the two of them had last seen each other in excruciating detail, obviously excited, her eyes glowing, her hands gesticulating. Not for the first time, Allison thought that she loved her best friend. Not for the first time, Allison didn’t voice her feelings.

Maybe that’s why she and Seth had worked for longer than any of Allison’s other relationships. Two emotionally constipated people who both lashed out at each other instead of being honest about their feelings and talking things through. A match made in heaven. Or hell.

Maybe she could only ever hold onto something if it also destroyed her at least a little.

 

* * *

 

“What do you think?” Allison asked Renee, looking at her day’s work. Almost all of the boxes were empty now and Allison was starting to feel more like she belonged and less like a stranger in this new space.

When Renee didn’t answer, Allison looked over at her. She hadn’t spoken since Dan had left. Allison didn’t know if she was upset about something or offended or whatever, but Renee just seemed to be staring at nothing, a contemplative, kind of melancholy expression on her face.

“Hey, ghost girl,” Allison said, starting to get unnerved by her silence. “Everything okay?”

Renee blinked, then shook her head. “Sorry, what?”

“Are you okay?”

“Yes, of course, thank you for asking,” she said, her voice as calm and kind as ever. Allison raised an eyebrow.

“Something’s obviously going on with you.”

Renee turned away and looked back out the window. “Yes, I think you might be right about that. That doesn’t mean I want to talk about it, though. In fact, I would rather not.”

Allison stared at her. “Has anyone ever told you that you have a very weird way of expressing yourself?”

The smile on Renee’s face was just barely visible since she’d turned away. “They tend to use prettier words for it. Peculiar, for example. Some even call it quirky.”

“Yeah, I’m not using that word,” Allison said.

Renee was silent for a while. Then, finally, she said, “I want to try going outside.”

“I thought you were scared.”

She hummed her assent. “That doesn’t mean I shouldn’t do it.”

Since that was basically the philosophy Allison lived by, she nodded. Renee turned back around and met Allison’s gaze. In that moment, Renee looked unbreakable and unshakeable, like nothing that ended up in her way could ever stop her for long. Allison shivered.

“Will you come with me?” Renee asked.

Not sure she could trust her voice to come out right, Allison simply nodded again. Renee led the way to the door, where Allison slipped into her shoes and grabbed a jacket. They took the elevator down, and every time Allison looked at Renee, she found the same determined expression on her face.

When they reached the lobby, Renee stopped. She looked up at the sky through the door’s glass panel and took a deep breath. Allison felt like she should say something, but comfort had never been her forte. She tried anyway.

“It’ll be fine.” She paused. Amazing, Allison. She had to say something else, anything, as long as it wasn’t that generic. Generic was not, nor would it ever be, her brand. “Just think of the things that are important to you down here. Let them anchor you.”

Renee looked at her, seemingly surprised. Then, she smiled. “Thank you, Allison.”

It sounded like she really meant it, and Allison had to look away. Renee paused another moment, then stepped through the door, and Allison hastily opened it to follow her.

While watching Renee for any signs of levitation, Allison realised that some of her apprehensiveness had rubbed off on her. They waited, and Allison held her breath. Nothing happened.

“See? It’s totally fine. Told you so,” she said, pretending she’d been certain all along.

Renee looked over at her, her expression hard to read for a moment. After a beat, her mouth quirked upwards again. “Oh, you’re one of _those_ people.”

“What?”

“The ‘I told you so’ people,” Renee said, and there was a teasing note to her voice. Allison couldn’t keep a short laugh from escaping her, making a person walking by give her a weird look.

“Indeed, I’m a proud member of the club,” Allison said, not having to try too hard to make her voice sound haughty. “We meet every five months.”

Renee’s smile turned into a grin, then she quickly covered it with her hand and looked away. “Do you want to go for a walk?”

She was certainly good at abruptly changing the topic. Allison thought about it for a couple of seconds and then nodded. “Sure.”

Renee smiled at her again. It gave her eyes a twinkling sort of quality, like in the picture from the article. “Then let’s go. I know a park close by.”

And so they walked. They didn’t talk, not because there were people around—they would probably just think Allison was on the phone or whatever—but rather because silence settled over them like a warm, comfortable blanket. Disturbing it would have felt less natural than just being together like this, without words clouding the air between them.

 

* * *

 

The next morning, Allison was running late for work and she’d forgotten to buy groceries the day before, so she couldn’t even have coffee. If she bought a cup on the way to work, she’d be even later with how long the line usually was at her favourite coffee place. And she sure as hell wasn’t going to eat the leftovers of her greasy takeout first thing in the morning, so her stomach had to stay empty for now too.

She was about to leave the apartment when she was stopped by someone asking her, “Where are you going?”

Allison looked over at Renee, who was standing in the door to the spare room, where she had hid out while Dan was there the day before.

“To work.”

“Oh.” Renee looked away, and Allison could tell she felt uneasy for some reason. Allison sighed.

“Do you want to come?”

Renee looked back up immediately. “Yes.”

“All right, why not.”

“What’s your job?” Renee asked while they were on the way to Allison’s car.

“I’m a gardener. I work in landscaping mostly, but I also do simpler stuff sometimes.” Renee didn’t say anything for so long that Allison finally looked over at her with raised eyebrows. “What?”

“Sorry, it’s just unexpected.”

“Everyone always says that.” Allison rolled her eyes, then shrugged. “I guess I get it, though. Actually, I like it. It makes me unpredictable.”

Renee let out a small laugh. “That you most certainly are.”

“What about you? What’s your job?”

“I’m a librarian.”

Allison looked her up and down. “Okay, yeah. I can see it.”

“I can see the gardener in you too, now that I know. I think it must feel satisfying to see your hands shape something, creating something beautiful. To find out which plants harmonise with each other, to make sure they have everything they need. It must be grounding. I’m sure you’re very good at it.”

The world stopped for a single second. Or maybe it just felt that way to Allison, because no one, not even Dan, had ever really gotten why gardening was everything to her without her having to explain it first. And some hadn’t understood even then. She stared at Renee, honestly stunned.

To be seen through just like that, like she wasn’t something complicated or twisted or even shallow—all things she’d been called numerous times,—after Renee had only known her for a day… Allison didn’t know how to feel about that.

They got to Allison’s car and while Allison got in the driver’s seat, Renee floated through the passenger side door and sat down.

“You’re… sitting,” Allison said.

“Not really. It’s more like I’m floating over the seat in what would be a sitting position,” Renee said, sounding decidedly amused. When Allison caught a glimpse of her own reflection in the rear-view mirror, she realised why and forced her expression to smooth out.

“Can you keep up when I’m driving or am I going to end up leaving you behind?”

“I can keep up,” Renee said, and she sounded like she took it as a challenge. It might have been.

 

* * *

 

Feeling self-conscious was not something that came naturally to Allison, but with the way Renee was watching her work so intently, she thought she might have to get acquainted with the notion.

She was working on a rich person’s garden, which never failed to remind her of her parents. It wasn’t their garden, of course, nor would it ever be. Naturally, they had countless gardeners, but when Allison had announced her plans to become one, it had been like she’d announced she was planning on turning to a life of crime.

It might not have come as such a shock to them if they’d ever deigned to pay attention to Allison. There was a reason why her tongue felt like lead when it came to emotions rolling off of it.

Like always, she worked out her anger by digging the shovel into the ground extra hard, by snapping the trimmers with all her strength, by carrying so much soil at once that she started panting. She revelled in the feeling of dirt coating her skin and sweat pouring out of her pores, something that had always been deemed beneath her by others, never by herself.

“You should drink some water.”

Allison jumped. She’d been so absorbed in her work that she’d completely forgotten about Renee, who was standing—or floating—in front of her now and pointing to a bottle of water. Now that she mentioned it, Allison could feel how thirsty she was, and she gave Renee a nod in thanks.

After tearing the bottle open, Allison gulped down so much water so fast that a considerable amount ran down over her chin and neck. She separated her mouth from the bottle with a gasp and rubbed the back of her hand over her mouth. When she looked back over at Renee, she realised that Renee was staring at her.

“What?” she said. She probably didn’t look her most attractive right now with water still dribbling down her chin and dirt all over her face, but Renee didn’t seem like someone who would stare at someone for that kind of reason.

Renee turned away abruptly and looked at the garden. “You are really good at your job.”

Allison nodded. “I know.”

“Thank you for letting me accompany you,” Renee said. “It seems like your job is something very private to you.”

In a way, Renee was right. Allison got lost in her work to the point that the thought of someone watching her during it made her feel vulnerable, obviously not one of her favourite feelings.

But on the other hand, having someone see this unexpected—for most people—side of her made her feel proud as well. Gardening made her feel like her truest self, and since she wasn’t good at sharing that with people through words, this was the next best thing.

“It’s all right. It’s kind of gratifying that you’re interested.”

“I am,” Renee said. They held each other’s gaze for a while until finally, Allison looked away and got back to work, her heartbeat maybe a bit faster than it should be.

 

* * *

 

“When did you know you wanted to be a librarian?” Allison asked Renee while waiting for her pasta to be done; she’d finally gone grocery shopping after work. She was all clean and warm after her shower and wearing a robe so soft she was almost tempted to never wear anything else ever again.

“It’s a long story.” Renee sounded so hesitant that Allison looked over at her.

She was avoiding eye contact and studying the place mats on Allison’s kitchen table like they were the most interesting things in the world. ‘It’s a long story’ almost always meant ‘I don’t want to tell you,’ and for once Allison decided not to pry. Instead, she stabbed some fusilli with her fork, rinsed them off with cold water and bit into them to see if they were done. Not quite.

She decided to try a different question. “What’s your favourite thing about it?”

Renee’s face lit up. “Helping people in unexpected ways every day. You never know who is going to come in and what kind of help they’ll need, if any. But sometimes, it feels like what I do can change someone’s life for the better, even if it’s just a little. That’s my favourite thing about it.”

“That’s a very Renee answer,” Allison said with a hum.

“Do you know me well enough to make that statement?” Renee said, a hint of amusement in her voice.

“Probably not.” She shrugged. “But I made it anyway.”

“That’s very Allison of you.” Renee sounded decidedly teasing, and Allison couldn’t help but smile.

“You got that right.”

After that, she turned her full attention on making the sauce and then on eating, but when she was done, she turned back to Renee.

“What do you think will happen when you see your body? Will you be sucked into it or something?”

Renee shrugged. “Your guess is as good as mine. I hope that it makes me wake up, but there’s no way to know unless I actually try it.”

“Dan will find you. She’s really good at what she does.” Allison couldn’t keep a hint of pride out of her voice.

“Thank you.”

Allison waved her off. “No need to thank me. Dan’s doing all the work.”

“No, thank you for letting me stay. Thank you for asking your friend to help me. Thank you for humouring me and for letting me tag along while you work. Thank you for not leaving me alone,” Renee said, holding eye contact throughout, which Allison eventually had to break, unable to take the sincerity in Renee’s eyes any longer. She cleared her throat.

“It’s fine. You can take me out for a fancy dinner or something when you wake up.”

Renee smiled. “It’s a date.”

 

* * *

 

Their days became a routine of sorts. Allison woke up, Renee was there. Allison went to work, Renee came with her. Allison went home, Renee was there again. It was… nice. It could have felt stifling, but it really didn’t.

Whenever Allison went out to meet friends or acquaintances, though, Renee stayed behind. Although she never said anything, Allison felt guilty about it anyway, which in turn made her angry because there was nothing for her to feel guilty of. It was probably just the image of Renee standing in the big living room all alone, looking small and lonely, which might just have been Allison projecting stuff onto Renee.

But there was a certain steady rhythm to their days. Talking to Renee was easy, as was co-existing in companionable silence. In fact, everything with Renee was easy. It seemed to just fall into place, like there had been a Renee-shaped hole in the puzzle of Allison’s life that she seamlessly fit into.

After a week of this routine, Allison realised she was content. Maybe even happy.

Strange.

 

* * *

 

Allison’s phone rang, and when she saw that it was Dan, she picked up immediately.

“Dan.”

“Hey, A. I finally had time to look into the previous tenant of your apartment, Renee Walker. Sorry that it took me so long, we were swamped. There was stuff going on with Wymack’s son… It was chaos. But everything’s good now and I have some breathing room for other stuff again.”

“What did you find out?” If Allison’s voice sounded slightly breathless, Dan was kind enough not to mention it.

“She’s in a hospital at the completely other side of town. I’ll text you the address. Allison, she’s in a coma. I don’t think you’re going to be able to return whatever it is you’ve got to her. She’s got a mom, Stephanie Walker, who’s apparently at the hospital almost every day, so she’s probably your best bet.”

“Dan,” Allison said, “you’re amazing. Thank you.”

There was a long pause before Dan finally said, “A? Are you all right?”

Allison rolled her eyes. “I thought you wanted me to thank you out loud. And it’s not like I can give you ‘the look’ over the phone.”

“I did want you to say it, but I never thought I’d actually hear it. Am I dreaming? Do I have a fever?” There was rustling on the other end of the line. “No, I seem to be awake and non-feverish. Wow, I’ve got to mark this day on my calendar.”

“Okay, you’ve done it. I take it all back.”

“Too late!” Dan called and then hung up, laughing.

“You—” Allison started, then shook her head and smiled, unable to help herself.

“What did Dan say?” Renee asked her. Twisting her body so she was facing her, Allison grinned at her.

“She found your body! Apparently your mom is with you as often as she can be so that might be awkward, but I’ll just pretend to be an acquaintance of yours or something.” Allison checked her phone and saw that Dan had already texted her the address of the hospital. “We can leave right now if you want.”

“No,” Renee said, so quickly that Allison looked up at her in surprise.

“Why not?”

“I…” Renee shook her head. “I can’t go.”

Allison frowned. “I thought this was what you wanted.”

“I do. It is. I just… need to prepare myself first. Can we go this weekend?”

“Sure,” Allison said, though she still didn’t really get it.

“Okay,” Renee said and her posture relaxed again. “Thank you.”

Allison shook her head. “It’s your call, Renee.”

“Don’t feel like you have to get rid of me yet?” Renee joked, but it came out sounding clumsy. Allison found it strangely endearing.

“I’m never going to feel like I have to get rid of you.” It was out before Allison even knew she was going to say it. She blinked, then frowned in confusion, but found it to be true. It just wasn’t something she’d thought herself capable of saying.

“‘Never’ is a very strong word,” Renee said quietly, after a pause.

Allison leaned back against the couch. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. It just kind of… came out. I don’t know. I’m usually not good at expressing things related to genuine emotion. Except if that emotion is either anger or smugness, of course.”

“Of course,” Renee agreed. Her voice sounded weird and when Allison looked at her, she couldn’t read her expression at all. Renee turned her head away and looked out the window. “Why did you choose this apartment, Allison?”

Allison hesitated, unsure if she really wanted to get into this right now. “I needed a change. The person I shared my previous apartment with… well, he died over a year ago. I couldn’t take staying there anymore. And when I saw this apartment, it just felt right, so I went for it.”

“Was he your partner?” Renee sounded so careful when she asked it that Allison almost laughed. Nothing about her or Seth, and especially them together, had ever been careful.

“I guess you could call it that. We were in a relationship, if that’s what you’re asking. Not always a very good or even healthy one, I’ll admit now, but a relationship all the same.”

“I’m sorry for your loss,” Renee said. Allison just waved it off. Those words had lost all meaning to her ages ago. She got the intent behind them, but they had nothing to offer her. Most of the time they just made things vaguely uncomfortable until the topic changed completely and the other person tried to forget that death had ever been a part of their conversation.

“What about you?” Allison asked. “Any serious relationships?”

Renee shook her head. “Not yet. I was on my way to a blind date before the car accident… I had a good feeling about that. But I guess now I’ll never know. She probably thinks I stood her up.”

Allison clicked her tongue. “That sucks. Maybe when you wake up you can explain everything to her.”

“I don’t think I can,” Renee said, turning to look at Allison intently.

“Then I’ll do it. She doesn’t know what she’s missing out on,” Allison said. “I was actually stood up by someone a while ago, a blind date too. It was the first time, of course.” She gestured towards herself with waggling eyebrows. Renee laughed, and a warm, pleased feeling spread through Allison’s chest. “I thought she and I had hit it off, you know? But apparently she changed her mind. She didn’t answer any of my messages when I asked her about it.” Allison shrugged. “Maybe I’m not ready for a relationship yet anyway.”

Renee hummed but said nothing. Then, after staying quiet for a while, she asked, “Do you want us to be in each other’s lives after I wake up?”

Allison stared at her, then swallowed. “You don’t?”

“No, no,” Renee said, actually sounding alarmed, “that’s not what I meant at all. I just wanted to know how you felt about it.”

Allison licked her lips. “I mean…” She grunted, frustrated with how hard it was to be open like this. “I would like to keep in touch with you. We’ve been together almost all day for more than a week now. If you left without a trace it’d be like… a hole.” It really wasn’t exactly her biggest strength.

“You’d miss me,” Renee said softly.

Taking a deep breath, Allison forced out a, “Yes.”

“I’d miss you too.”

Allison looked over at Renee sharply. Renee was smiling at her, and there was something vulnerable about her in that moment that broke Allison’s heart a little.

“I’ll visit you when you’re in physical therapy,” Allison said.

Renee looked like she had completely forgotten to consider that. “Oh, right. I’m going to be so weak when I wake up.” She looked Allison up and down, that teasing expression that was showing up more and more often on her face. “You might even be able to take me in a fight then. Maybe.”

Allison decided to let that slide—like so often with Renee—even though that really went against her nature. “You’ll get all your muscles back really fast, you’ll see.”

“Oh, I know,” Renee said and nodded so seriously that Allison snorted. Renee lifted her eyebrows. “I’m not kidding.”

“Okay. Are you sure you’re a librarian and not a boxer?”

“Why can’t I be both?” Renee asked, and Allison had to concede her point. “I fight too dirty for the ring, though.”

Now it was Allison’s turn to look her up and down sceptically. “You? You’re the closest thing to an actual angel I’ve ever seen.”

Renee’s breath hitched audibly, and for a moment she just stared at Allison. Then she looked away, seeming embarrassed and maybe even a bit flustered. Allison grinned and when Renee caught sight of that, she actually stuck her tongue out at Allison.

“You’ve heard of fallen angels, right?” Renee said. “Well, think of me as something like the opposite.”

“Ascended demon?”

“Something like that,” Renee said with a lopsided smile.

Allison tilted her head to the side. “You? Really? I don’t see it.”

Renee’s expression turned into something altogether different from anything Allison had seen on her face before. “Good. It’s better that way.”

As abruptly as Renee could change topics, she could end them, and they fell quiet for the rest of the night.

 

* * *

 

Allison plopped down onto her couch with a sigh, exhausted after a long day of gardening. Closing her eyes and leaning back, she asked Renee, “So, are you ready to go to the hospital tomorrow?”

There was a pause before Renee replied, “Yes.”

It would be weird to come back here after, without Renee. For the first time, Allison realised that she hadn’t ever actually been in this apartment completely by herself yet.

“Will you stay with me?” Renee’s quiet voice asked her. “While I wake up.”

Allison opened her eyes and turned her head to look at Renee full-on. “Of course.”

Renee smiled at her, and there was such a gentle expression on her face that Allison had to swallow heavily.

Looking at Renee just then, Allison was overwhelmed by how deeply she’d come to care for her. She definitely did not feel up to dealing with that, so she shoved it away into the chaos of her other suppressed emotions.

“If it works at all,” Renee said, completely unaware of what was going on in Allison’s head and heart.

“It will,” Allison said, managing to sound convinced even though she had no idea if it would.

“I hope so.”

They stayed silent for a while, but then Allison’s curiosity won out. “What’s the thing that you’re most looking forward to experiencing again in your physical body?”

Renee hesitated. Her gaze dropped to Allison lips and then darted away again so fast that Allison couldn’t be sure she’d really seen it.

“I want my mother to know that I’m fine. I’m sure she’s worried. My best friend, too. I want to see everyone who cared about me again and reassure them that I’m okay.”

Allison raised her eyebrows. “Wow. You are so fucking sweet, did you know that? I’d think of way more selfish things to do.”

“You’re sweet too,” Renee said with a smile.

“What? No!” Allison spluttered, indignant. “No one in my entire life has ever called me sweet. It’s the last thing I am and I’m keeping it that way.”

Renee’s smile turned into a grin. “I just did. You can’t claim that anymore.”

Allison paused, stunned, and then laughed, more out of surprise than anything else. She shook her head.

“Wow,” she repeated. “Okay, fine. Have it your way, then.”

“Thank you,” Renee said, looking slightly smug.

“You’re welcome,” Allison said, never one to pass up an opportunity to sound mocking, though in this case maybe the only thing it made her sound like was immature. Renee’s laugh kind of made it worth it, though.

“I can already tell that you are most likely not the most gracious loser.”

“What can I say? I play to win.”

“I understand that.” Renee nodded. “But more often than not now, I play for the enjoyment of it. Nothing else. It’s nice. Quite relaxing, in fact. You should try it sometime.”

Allison tilted her head back to look at Renee, who was standing behind the couch now. “Teach me.”

Something flickered over Renee’s face, there and then gone again, and she nodded. “I will try.”

“I have to warn you, though. I’m… not the easiest person to teach.” That was one way to put it. The second she detected even a hint of condescension in someone’s tone, she stopped paying attention to them and usually resolved to try and teach herself.

Renee grinned again. Allison couldn’t imagine that was something she’d ever get tired of seeing. “Challenge accepted.”

After that, they were quiet for a while. It was a comfortable kind of silence, like a blanket’s heavy and reassuring weight on your shoulders.

Allison felt no inhibitions to lose herself in her own breathing, her lungs expanding and contracting; she knew that Renee would be there when she resurfaced. With a painful twist in her stomach, Allison realised how much she’d miss this easy companionship.

Eventually, she shook herself out of her daze-like state and smacked her thighs to try to jolt herself back into awareness.

“Well, I told Dan I’d meet her today, so I’m going to go get ready.” With a groan, Allison made herself get up. “Don’t worry. I won’t be too tired for the big day tomorrow.”

“Have a nice time,” Renee’s quiet voice said after a moment’s hesitation, and Allison felt eyes on her back the entire way to her room, as if Renee’s gaze rested on her until she was out of sight.

 

* * *

 

“I met this girl.”

Dan raised her eyebrows and took a sip of her cocktail. “Oh?”

“In theory,” Allison amended.

“Okay?” Now Dan just looked confused.

“She’s not who I’d usually go for. At all.”

“I’m taking that as a good sign,” Dan said, and Allison couldn’t really argue with that. “So, what? Are you going to make a move? Ask her out?”

Allison hesitated. “It’s not that simple.”

“Why not?”

“I can’t tell you,” she said, pinching her lips together. Dan sighed.

“Allison, what’s going on with you? For about two weeks now you’ve been constantly giving me the feeling that you’re hiding something from me. That’s fine, of course. I’m not saying you can’t do that, but… I thought it wasn’t like that between us.”

A stab of pain pierced through Allison’s chest. It wasn’t. They told each other everything because they knew the other one would never judge and would always be there for them. Except now, Allison wasn’t telling Dan about one of the biggest things in her life at the moment.

“Dan… I’ll tell you,” Allison said and tried her hardest not to sound placating, because that would only serve to piss Dan off. “Just not now, okay? This story doesn’t just involve me and there’s something happening tomorrow that’s going to decide the entire outcome. I have to see how it turns out before I can even begin to try to explain the situation.”

Dan studied her for a while, then nodded and changed the topic. Allison got the feeling that she’d just saved something that might have otherwise broken between them.

 

* * *

 

When she got back home—a little drunk but altogether way too sober for the amount of alcohol she’d had—Renee stood in the hallway, oddly stiff.

“What’s up?” Allison asked, though she was so tired that she wasn’t sure if it came out sounding intelligible.

“Nothing,” Renee said, but there was an unfamiliar note to her voice that instantly made Allison feel more awake.

“Is this about tomorrow?” Allison took a few steps closer to Renee.

“It’s fine. It’s nothing.”

Allison tried to squint at her but ended up just closing her eyes. She blinked them back open. “You’re scared.”

Renee ran a hand over her own arm. “A little. It’s only natural, I’d say.”

“Are you mad that I left you alone tonight?” Allison asked, playing with the thought of feeling guilty.

Renee shook her head. “I don’t want you to have to put any part of your life on hold for me. I’m all right, really. I just don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow.”

Allison pulled her shoes off her feet rather less gracefully than she tended to be and sighed when they were finally free. She wiggled her toes and stretched.

“Does anyone, ever? Isn’t that the fun of it? A meteor could hit tomorrow. Zombies could rise. We could be introduced to the first official alien. Dodos could walk the earth again.” She shrugged. “Who knows.”

Renee smiled at her, though it didn’t quite reach her eyes. “I guess you’re right. I just don’t know what I’ll do if it doesn’t work.”

“It’ll work,” Allison said. Maybe she could believe it into existence. “Worst case scenario, you’ll always be welcome here.”

In the dark of the hallway, Renee’s features were almost indiscernible. After a while, she said, “‘Never,’ ‘always’. You use a lot of heavy words, Allison.”

Allison sighed and let herself sink down onto the floor, lying down on her side so she could still look at Renee, though her eyes were only half open anymore.

“Blah-blah, it’s impossible to really promise always and forever, it’s just an expression of how I feel in this moment, blah-blah. Happy now?”

Renee crouched down, and when Allison caught sight of her open expression, achingly vulnerable, she felt something twist inside her chest.

“Tell me I’ll remember you.”

“You’ll remember me,” Allison said, her voice sounding uncharacteristically serious to her own ears.

“Do you really believe that?”

Allison shrugged, which looked rather awkward since she was still lying on her side. “It’s what I hope will happen.” She yawned and was too tired to stop honesty from slipping out. “I don’t want you to forget me.”

“I don’t want to forget you either,” Renee said softly, sounding so close to Allison that she squinted her eyes open again. “Now come on, don’t sleep on the floor, you’ll regret it tomorrow.”

With a grunt, Allison rolled onto her belly and then started crawling towards her bedroom, too tired to get up, knowing Renee was right. When Renee audibly stifled a laugh, Allison grumbled, “No right to laugh. Should be corporeal, then you could actually help me to bed.”

“If only,” Renee said, and Allison didn’t know if her voice really sounded wistful or if she was so tired she was imagining things. When she’d finally clawed herself onto her bed somehow, she closed her eyes and immediately drifted off.

 

* * *

 

“We’re here,” Allison said, looking up at the hospital and clenching her keys tightly in her hand before stuffing them in her coat pocket. She didn’t know if there were any people who loved hospitals, but she certainly wasn’t one of them.

Renee, who’d been silent the entire morning, didn’t even pause to look at the imposing building. Instead, she walked towards the entrance determinedly, and Allison followed.

At the information desk, she asked where the coma patients’ rooms were, and when she’d finally found the right department—why did hospitals have to be built like mazes—she approached a nurse.

“I’m here to visit Renee Walker. Do you know which room she’s in?” The nurse nodded and quickly showed them the room before hurrying off again.

They approached Renee’s room and Allison caught sight of a woman sitting next to the bed where Renee’s body lay. All of her attention was instantly taken up by the body, because it looked just like Renee, except weaker and more corpse-like and with the dark roots of her hair grown out a bit. Allison’s gut twisted uncomfortably and her hand twitched, instinctively trying to reach out to Renee.

“Mom,” Ghost-Renee said, and Allison forced her gaze away from Coma-Renee and to the woman sitting next to her.

Renee’s mother didn’t look anything like her. There could be any number of reasons for that and none of them were really any of Allison’s business, which didn’t usually stop her from prying but this was definitely not the time for that.

“Mrs Walker?” she guessed, stepping fully into the room and hoping they had the same surname.

“Ms, actually,” Ms Walker said as if on reflex, then startled, looked up and took Allison in. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you before?”

“I’m Allison, a recent friend of Renee’s.” Allison had prepared the lie beforehand in case she ran into anyone who knew Renee. “I only just found out about what happened, and I rushed over here as soon as I heard.”

“Oh,” Ms Walker said quietly and placed a shaking hand on Coma-Renee’s motionless one. Allison’s Ghost-Renee still hadn’t entered the room, but Allison couldn’t check up on her without seeming too suspicious. Ms Walker wiped a hand over her moist eyes and Allison froze.

“I’m sorry,” she said, having no idea how to comfort this woman. She couldn’t even comfort herself most of the time.

Ms Walker shook her head and breathed in shakily, trying to regain her composure. “I always thought Renee would like it that at least some of the people in her life have no idea what happened,” Ms Walker said, a watery smile on her face. “That they’d think she’s living her life happily and healthily, like the last time they talked to her. I like to think it gives her strength to try and return.” Ms Walker shook her head. “I’m being silly again.”

“No,” Allison said quickly, more of a croak than a word. Her throat felt tight. This was true parental love and she couldn’t help but be in awe of it every time she witnessed it. “You’re not being silly at all. I think you’re right.”

Ms Walker smiled up at her and gestured at the chair on the opposite side of Renee’s bed. “Don’t you want to sit down?”

Allison slowly took a seat, trying not to look at Renee’s empty body, her soul in the hallway outside. She looked around the room and her eyes caught on something lying on the bedside table.

Allison stared. “Is that a knife?”

“Yes, Renee’s closest friend left it there for her. He didn’t say it, but I’m sure he thought it might comfort her when she wakes up.” Ms Walker picked up on Allison’s confusion. “It’s not real, don’t worry. I don’t think the hospital would be very happy about that.”

“Andrew came?” Renee’s voice asked from behind Allison. She spun around and saw her Renee, Ghost-Renee, peering inside the room but still firmly in the hallway.

Allison frowned at her, clueless as to why she wasn’t just coming in and trying to re-join her body. Renee didn’t notice, her gaze fixed on her mother.

“Everything all right, dear?” Ms Walker asked, and Allison spun back around. She cleared her throat.

“Sorry, I just thought I heard something. I must have imagined it. So, I take it that Andrew stopped by?” Allison had no idea who Andrew was, but she thought she might as well help Renee communicate with her mother.

“Oh, yes,” Ms Walker said, and her face lit up slightly. “He’s been here almost as often as I have.”

Allison couldn’t look back at her Renee again, and she tried to think of a way to lure her into the room without talking to her directly.

“If you could talk to Renee, what would you want to say?” Allison asked, trying to sound sympathetic, which admittedly wasn’t her biggest strength.

Ms Walker’s hand tightened on Coma-Renee’s. “I’ve thought about that a lot, actually,” she said with a sigh. “I miss her. I hope she comes back. I hope she’s not in pain.” Ms Walker’s voice broke and she pressed a hand over her eyes. “Sorry, dear, it’s just been so long now, and I’m afraid that—” She shook her head and moved her hand from her eyes to her chest as if she was trying to push the pain out through her back.

Allison shifted uncomfortably. She didn’t know what to say. Ms Walker had apologised, but really it was on Allison for bringing this up in the first place.

“I know for a fact that she misses you too,” Allison said, not sure if her words would make things better or worse. She risked a glance back at her Renee, who was fully visible in the doorway now and took a careful step into the room. “She wants to see you again too, and she’s trying her best, I’m sure of it.” That last part was meant as an encouragement for her Renee as much as for Ms Walker.

“I’m afraid too,” Ghost-Renee said, looking at her mother, her voice shaking. Her gaze met Allison’s and Allison forgot to breathe for a moment. “But I’m ready now. Allison, I—”

But Renee was cut off, because as soon as she stepped closer to her body, her ghost-self, her soul, started to get pulled towards it until she sank into it. The last thing Allison saw of her Renee was the surprised look on her face before it got replaced by the unmoving expression of her body on the bed.

Ms Walker was giving Allison a weird, slightly concerned look, but Allison couldn’t bring herself to care. She hadn’t expected this tremendous feeling of loss that trickled from her stomach up to her chest and then to her throat, flowing upwards, defying gravity, choking her.

When the only Renee left took an audible breath, Ms Walker instantly forgot about Allison and jumped up out of her chair.

“Renee? Renee!”

The machine announced Renee’s rising heartrate and Ms Walker pressed the button to call someone to the room, though her hands were shaking so much she had to steady one with the other before she managed it.

Everything happened kind of fast after that. Allison hung back as people rushed in, then let herself be ushered out of the room. She leaned back against the wall in the hallway, trying to steady her rapid breathing by pressing her palms against the cool plaster to ground herself.

She had no idea how much time had passed by the time the door opened again and a veritable flock of hospital personnel headed out. The doctor turned back and said, “The nurses will be back to check up on you regularly. Keep drinking, you’ll get your voice back.”

Taking a deep breath, Allison pushed herself off the wall and straightened her back. She headed over to the door which the doctor had left open a crack and pushed against it.

Inside, she was greeted by a view of Ms Walker wrapping Renee in a tight hug, who seemed to be struggling to lift her arms to hug her back before giving up. Renee was smiling, seeming a bit confused still, like she wasn’t sure if this was real or a dream. She caught sight of Allison and blinked.

The moment Allison realised there wasn’t even a shred of recognition on Renee’s face was the moment her heart cracked down the middle and broke, or at least that’s what it felt like.

Ms Walker seemed to notice a change in Renee, because she let go of her and turned around. She smiled brightly when she saw Allison. “Allison! You’re a lucky charm, you know that? Can you believe that Renee woke up the first day you visited?”

Allison smiled back, but there was no heart in it. Instead of blaming the messenger, this time the messenger got all the credit, undeservedly all the same.

When she noticed the slight frown on Renee’s face, Ms Walker turned back to her. “What’s wrong, honey? Don’t you recognise Allison?”

Renee shook her head slowly, tilting her head to the side and not taking her eyes off Allison. Ms Walker was frowning too, now, and Allison decided it was time to get out of there, though the thought of leaving Renee behind, probably for good… No. Allison couldn’t think about that right then. She pressed her nails into the palm of her hands to suppress the sob creeping up on her.

“All the best for your recovery, Renee,” Allison said, her voice remarkably steady. She nodded at Ms Walker, then turned around and walked out of the room, trying to make her fast steps seem natural and not like she was fleeing.

On the way towards the exit, Allison gasped down another sob. She’d let herself cry at home if she still had to then; her vulnerability was no one’s business but her own.

 

* * *

 

As soon as she was within her own four walls, she gritted her teeth, pushed her jaw forward and dared the urge to cry to approach again. When it proved to be too much of a coward, she took her phone out of her bag and dialled.

“Dan, I have something to tell you.”

 

* * *

 

Dan set down her glass of orange juice on the couch table. She opened her mouth, then closed it again.

“I know you don’t believe me,” Allison said, her head leaning against the back of the couch so she could stare up at the ceiling.

“I mean…” Dan started, then seemed to think better of whatever she was going to say. “It is a bit hard to wrap my head around. But it also explains some stuff. That’s why you wanted me to look into Renee?”

“Yes.”

“A, look at me.”

“Can’t.”

“Allison… you’re worrying me.” Allison didn’t have the energy to respond, and when there had been too long a break, Dan spoke again. “Let’s say this is all true. What do you want to do now?”

Allison slowly moved her head from side to side in a poor imitation of a shake of the head without taking her eyes off the ceiling. “Nothing.”

“Oh, come on,” Dan said, and Allison could hear her sit up straight. “A, snap out of it. This isn’t like you.”

Finally, Allison rolled her head over so she could meet Dan’s concerned gaze. “Isn’t it? Then you know me better than I know myself.”

“Okay, so she doesn’t remember you. You’ve got feelings for her.” She paused there, and when Allison didn’t even grunt in protest, she frowned. “Wow, this is serious to you. Do you love her?”

Allison turned her head away again to look back at the ceiling. “I don’t know what I feel for her.”

She had no idea what she was feeling in general. It felt like her emotions were buried several feet under the ground and they just couldn’t reach her. Or maybe it was the other way around.

“Well, no one but you can figure that out,” Dan said, a bit of a stern note creeping back into her voice. “You could still have a chance with her. She liked you as a… disembodied version of herself, or whatever that was. She could like you again.”

“Oh?” Allison asked, and enough of something stirred inside her so that she could manage a scoff. “And how do I explain why I was in her room before and after she woke up? Why I lied to her mother about knowing her? I don’t think so.”

“Okay, true…”

Allison could tell Dan was trying to think of a way to make this work, and the corners of her mouth twitched upwards listlessly. She let herself slide downwards and Dan gently took her head in her hands and laid it down in her lap. She began tracing her fingers along Allison’s hairline and Allison sighed at the familiar feeling of it.

“You’re the best friend in the world,” Allison said.

“I know,” Dan responded, and Allison could hear the smile in her voice.

“I don’t want to talk about her anymore.” She could hear Dan open her mouth to protest, but she cut her off by saying, “Tell me about your life. It’s been about me long enough.”

“Wow, I never thought I’d see the day where you’ve had enough of talking about yourself,” Dan said, and she poked Allison’s cheek playfully.

“You’re clogging my pores.”

“Oh, we can’t have that now, can we?” Allison could almost hear the eye roll in Dan’s voice.

Once again, Dan changed the topic because Allison had asked her to. She started talking about her co-workers and her last date, which had been a disaster.

Allison thought she’d never appreciated someone as much as she did Dan in that moment, and she took her hand in hers and squeezed it in thanks. Dan squeezed back, because that was just who she was, reassuring and lovely and more caring than anyone once she’d let you get close to her.

 

* * *

 

Allison fell back into a routine. She got up, had breakfast, worked, went home or hung out with Dan, went to sleep, woke up, had breakfast… It was mind-numbingly repetitive, and just what Allison needed.

Sometimes, she’d go out and try to find someone random to go home with. Not to her place, always theirs. She couldn’t exactly pinpoint why she felt uncomfortable with the thought of taking someone back to her apartment, but it felt wrong somehow, like a betrayal. It was ridiculous. After the third night that no one caught her eye, she stopped looking for a hook-up and just went out to dance.

As for Renee… Allison knew loss by now. Except Renee wasn’t dead, though she might as well have been, for Allison, because all her memories of her were gone, and even if they were to start over somehow, it would always be imbalanced. Renee would start at zero, while Allison had all this extra baggage attached to their interactions. She’d have to pretend to start at zero too when she was at least at thirty, and that could only end in disaster.

Mostly, Allison just didn’t let herself think about Renee at all.

 

* * *

 

A while after the whole incident at the hospital—Allison couldn’t say how long it had been, her days seemed to blur together because they were all so similar now—she was on her couch painting her toenails one evening when she saw her phone blinking.

Allison grabbed it and saw that someone had sent a message to her account on that blind date site. She hadn’t gone on there in ages; to be honest, she’d forgotten she even had that account.

She opened the preview for the notification and saw that it was from that girl who had stood her up, rainbowhair75.

Allison raised her eyebrows and went back to painting her nails. In the end, her curiosity won out, and she grabbed her phone to open the message.

_I am so sorry. I was in a car accident on the way to our date and couldn’t answer your messages because I ended up in a coma for a while. I’m aware that this sounds far-fetched, but I can send you pictures as proof, if you want. Would you maybe give me another chance?_

Allison threw her phone away from her, her heart in her throat.

No. No, it couldn’t be. It just wasn’t possible. She wasn’t going to start believing in fate because of a blind date site of all things, but how could it be a coincidence? How?

In an effort to regulate her breathing, she started taking the still-damp polish off again, ignoring the shaking of her hands.

When she couldn’t take it anymore, she walked over to her phone and slowly picked it up. It wasn’t even broken, which made her scowl down at it.

Before she could change her mind again, she typed, _Wow, are you okay now?_

The reply came way faster than Allison could handle. She swallowed heavily before opening the message.

_Thank you so much for replying! Yes, thank you. I’m stubborn and my physical therapy is progressing well._

Allison tried to think of what she could write without giving away how much she really knew about the situation. It made her feel creepy, but she shook it off. A part of her was just relieved to know Renee was okay.

_I’m glad_ , she wrote.

_You must have thought the worst of me when I didn’t show up to our date. I’m really sorry._

_It’s not your fault._

_Thank you for believing me._

Allison grimaced. She wouldn’t if it were anyone else, but in this case she was intimately familiar with the truth.

When she didn’t reply for a while, Renee sent another message: _Do you maybe want to try again? I’ll take the bus this time._

Allison’s fingers hovered over the screen. She couldn’t deny that a huge part of her was urging her to say yes, that she really wanted to see her again. Renee would be blindsided, and Allison would do her best to explain. Yet part of the reason why she’d created this life for herself, independent and self-sufficient, was so she could truly be herself, honest to the point where it was sometimes abrasive, but always upfront about things. She couldn’t lie about this, not to Renee.

_I do_ , she typed, her heart racing. _But there’s something you should know first. My name is Allison Reynolds, and we actually met when you woke up in the hospital. I know your name is Renee Walker, and the reason I know that is because I met your soul during your coma. It ended up in your old apartment which is my new apartment, and we spent two weeks together until my friend found out which hospital you were in. Block me now or don’t, that’s up to you. I know I must sound pretty creepy. I just didn’t want to lie to you._

Wow. That was probably the longest message she’d ever written. She pressed send before she could second-guess herself.

Letting out a long breath, she put her phone aside and told herself she would absolutely not check it compulsively every five minutes. Needless to say, she failed.

Every time she saw there was no reply, the balloon of hope that had popped up in her chest lost some more air, till finally it wasn’t even round anymore. She sighed and shrugged. At least she’d been honest.

She couldn’t quite bring herself to be proud of it, though.

 

* * *

 

One morning a couple weeks later, Allison was just taking off one of her gloves with her teeth—her other hand was still holding shears—when someone cleared their throat behind her. She whirled around and saw—

“Hello,” Renee said.

The glove fell out of Allison’s mouth. She stared, unsure if she’d developed a sudden penchant for hallucinations.

“Renee?”

“It is I,” Renee replied and laughed awkwardly. She looked better, more like the healthy state her ghost-self had been in than her weakened self in the hospital bed.

“What… What are you doing here?”

“I’ve been having… dreams. About you,” Renee said, biting her lip, and Allison couldn’t help it, her eyebrows shot up in surprise. She bit down hard on her tongue to prevent it from spitting out an innuendo or worse yet, saying, ‘Same.’

“Okay?”

“About us,” Renee clarified. “In my— no, your apartment. I went there first but you weren’t there, and I remembered that I dreamt that you were working on a big project here.” She looked around at the chaos in the garden that Allison was working on. “I guess that was real. Or I’ve suddenly become psychic.”

“Renee,” Allison said and couldn’t help but take a step forwards. Renee, in turn, stepped backwards to preserve the space between them; there was something wary about her gaze.

“Is this real?” she asked. “I researched you and couldn’t find any connection to them. Your younger life was pretty well documented, courtesy of your parents’ wealth.”

Allison suppressed a flinch. She felt so detached from them that it was uncomfortable to hear them be referred to as her parents, as if they had any kind of relationship other than sharing their last name and genes. Also, she had no idea who this ‘them’ was that Renee mentioned.

“But,” Renee continued, “how can it be that you were the one to rent out my old apartment, you were the only one who could see my… soul, and you were gardengoddess69 too.”

Though she stood by that user name, hearing Renee say it so factually—especially the sixty-nine part—made something squirm inside her. In the end, Allison simply shrugged in reply. She’d asked herself the same questions and had half-heartedly settled on coincidence as the answer.

“So, in conclusion,” Renee said, and this time it was her who took a step closer to Allison, “ruling out schemes and outside intervention, the only feasible answer is that we were fated to meet,” she took another step, “we were fated to grow close to each other,” another, “and I was fated to fall in love with you.”

All of Allison’s confusion about her feelings for Renee settled right then and there, and she knew, with absolute clarity, that what she felt for her was affection, was… love. Their roles now reversed, Allison was the one to take a step back, overwhelmed. She swallowed heavily.

“No such thing as fate,” Allison said, or rather, croaked, while her heart soared at Renee’s confession.

“Maybe not.” Renee shrugged. “I just know that I liked you as gardengoddess69,”—Allison really wished she’d stop saying that out loud—“I liked you as my essence, as my soul.” A pause. “And I like you now.”

Allison shook her head. “You don’t know me now.”

She bit down on her tongue again to stop herself before she ruined this for herself. A part of her was terrified, begging her to resist this, resist Renee, because it couldn’t possibly end well. It didn’t last time.

“Not in the conventional way,” Renee said with a hum. “But I feel like I know you in all the ways that count. And we can start over face-to-face, corporeal person to corporeal person.” She studied Allison for a moment, then added, “I’d like to. Would you?”

“Yes.” It was out before Allison had even thought it. Renee’s words from ages ago about being afraid rang in her head: ‘That doesn’t mean I shouldn’t do it.’ That had always been the way she approached her fears and doubts as well. She wasn’t about to change that now.

Renee smiled at her, that twinkle in her eyes again, and Allison couldn’t breathe for a second. They both simultaneously took a step forwards. When Renee reached out her hand, Allison intertwined her gloveless one with it automatically.

She finally dropped the shears and pulled her other glove off with her teeth as well, using her now liberated hand to brush Renee’s hair out of her face. That led her to catch sight of the dirt all over her arm and she grimaced.

“I’m a bit of a mess right now, appearance-wise,” Allison said. “Just know that this isn’t what I’d usually wear to a first date. In fact, what I was wearing to our ill-fated blind date would have made you pause to applaud when you caught sight of me.”

It was Renee’s turn to shake her head. “I like it when you look like this.” She bit down on her lip again and Allison had to fight to keep a truly undignified sound from slipping out. “You’ll just have to show me your applause-worthy outfit on our second date.”

“Oh, you’re one of _those_ people,” Allison echoed Renee’s words from what felt like another lifetime ago back at her, feeling decidedly smug about it.

Renee leaned back a bit to be able to look at Allison better. Her mischievous smile was proof that she remembered as well. “What?”

“The ‘planning ahead’ people. How many dates have you imagined us going on? Have you gotten to our future house yet? Our pets? The wedding?”

Renee laughed. “I’ll tell you about it on date number five.”

“I’m holding you to that.”

They smiled at each other, both of their hands somehow entwined now, and Allison was annoyed at any time she had to break eye contact by blinking. Eventually, she realised they both weren’t looking at each other’s eyes anymore; their gazes had travelled further down. And when exactly had their breathing sped up? Renee swallowed audibly.

“Allison,” she said softly.

“Yes?”

Renee untangled one of her hands for a moment and reached up to the corner of Allison’s lips, her touch unbelievably gentle. “I want you to kiss me.”

Allison didn’t need to be told twice. She dipped down and kissed first one of Renee’s cheeks, then the other. Renee kept moving her head, trying to catch her lips, but Allison evaded her, biting back a grin, until Renee huffed.

Then, finally, Allison pressed her lips to the corner of Renee’s own, and when Renee turned her head to slide their lips together properly, Allison didn’t mind in the slightest. Renee’s grip on both of Allison’s hands tightened; they were holding up their hands at shoulder height as if they’d high-fived each other and their hands had gotten stuck together in the process, fingers entangled.

After Renee sighed into the kiss and her lips parted, an invitation, Allison’s thoughts shut off completely. She could do nothing but squeeze Renee’s hands back and deepen the kiss. Her entire perception narrowed down to lips and mouths and hands in hers and the small noises that escaped Renee sometimes.

An indiscernible amount of time later, they broke apart with a veritably indecent sound, gasping for breath. Allison looked down at her feet, somewhat surprised they were still standing on the ground.

Her gaze snapped back up when Renee cupped her face in her hands. Allison hadn’t even noticed that her hands were empty now. If she looked only half as dazed as she felt, she must paint a pretty amusing picture.

“That was some kiss,” Renee said, a new kind of intensity in her eyes.

Allison opened her mouth to say something smug, but all that came out was: “It was.”

Renee made an exaggerated show of sniffing the air. She took Allison’s hand and pressed a kiss to it, a private smile on her face. “Smells like fate to me.”

“I think that’s just fertiliser,” Allison said, scrunching up her nose. She jolted. “Fuck. _Shit_. I’m supposed to be working.”

“I’ll leave you to it then.” Renee let go of Allison completely and stepped back. It was annoyingly hard to fight to urge to reach after her. “See you after?”

“Yes.” Allison grabbed her phone, unlocked it and threw it at Renee, who caught it effortlessly. “Give me your number.”

“Since you asked so nicely,” Renee said, that teasing note creeping back into her voice. When she was done, she returned the phone to Allison. “The ball’s in your court now.” And with a last smile that looked suspiciously like a smirk, she turned and started walking away.

“Renee,” Allison called after her, and when Renee looked over her shoulder, Allison blew her a kiss. “I’ll call you.”

Renee laughed. “I’ll be waiting.”

Allison watched her leave until no part of her was visible anymore. She looked down at her phone.

_By the way_ , she typed, _I’ve fallen for you too_.

Trying to convince herself that missing Renee already wasn’t ridiculous, she threw herself back into work.

If Allison spent most of the rest of her day grinning from ear to ear and burying her face in her shoulder at random intervals, well, then no one else had to know.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading! it would be very lovely of you to leave a comment
> 
> title is from Tracy Chapman's song Telling Stories
> 
> ok now these notes just turn into irrelevant rambling haha please ignore
> 
> I had an account here that I deleted almost two years ago and idk if this is a step back or smth but here I am haha. if you wanna check out my previous stories, I've bookmarked them (they're credited to orphan_account bc I didn't want them to be deleted along with me):
> 
> two of them are Renee/Allison:  
> 1\. if tenderness is what you need (Renee's pov. The two of them get together during a Foxes reunion. the title is obviously from Tracy Chapman's song Open Arms omg not Baby Can I Hold You...... I have no idea how that mistake happened and I'll never be able to fix it and it'll haunt me forever, probably bc I'm a Virgo haha);  
> 2\. say you'll never harden to the world (Renee's pov. I wanted to give Renee/Natalie some softness during her horrible childhood so Allison's her guardian angel. I'm gonna quote the last sentence bc I'm proud of it and I can haha "With time, who she wants to be is who she will become." There. Allison as the angel is pretty different but I have headcanons regarding the reasoning for that)
> 
> and then I wrote two about Dan/Thea (yeah idk how I came up with that?? I basically invented a ship haha that was cool. I'm not really interested in them anymore but it was fun):  
> 1\. cross your fingers and dream on (Dan's pov. She can see ghosts and one of them is Thea's sister. this is probably my favourite story so far?? I have such a soft spot for it)  
> 2\. a memory unrepressed (Dan's pov. this one is...... so weird haha a really weird and anticlimactic take on the soulmate trope)
> 
> I have no idea how Allison or Renee can afford that apartment let's just say they live in a magical city where rent is affordable. it's only convenience that makes them start living there together of course, sunglasses emoji. I think I never mention ages but to me they're in their mid-to-late twenties here
> 
> I wanted to count how many times Renee smiles but then I was too lazy haha I feel like she smiles at Allison every other sentence. I should also count how many times someone raises their eyebrows and use that number to shame myself bc it happens way too often
> 
> let's just say that blind date site verifies its members somehow to ward off creepy people bc otherwise it'd never work
> 
> me 5 years ago: I really like the number 69! the numbers just complement each other so well  
> cue everyone else laughing and me having to ask like 10 times what's so funny until finally someone explained, and that's how I found out what it can mean
> 
> idk if they fell in love too fast...... I've only ever had crushes haha I have no idea, but they did spend almost all day together for two weeks and chatted before that?? and a friend of mine basically fell in love at first sight 10 years ago and they're still together so I'll say it's ok. also "I was fated to have feelings for you" just sounds kinda clunky and I love love
> 
> ok I'm finally done haha!! I deleted all my social media so I have nothing to link to. thank you again and take care!!


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